Hey, does anyone want to see my brain tumor?

You know it's gonna be a good day, when that's how you start it.

I told my bosses last Thursday.  On Friday, I told my staff. Now you see, I work in Technology.  Mostly a bunch of 20- 30 something guys who are always ready with the one-liners.

I whip out the MRI films.


So you know (not cancer) how I haven't been able to see very well lately? Well it turns out, benign 23mm tumour or cyst is pushing on the optic nerve not cancer.


You have to throw in the not cancer about three times. The words brain tumour seems to freak people out.

Let's see what wikipedia has to say about a tumor/ tumour:

A tumor or tumour is commonly used as a synonym for a neoplasm (a solid or fluid-filled (cystic) lesion that may or may not be be formed by an abnormal growth of neoplastic cells) that appears enlarged in size.^[1] Tumor is not synonymous with cancer.

It is the last line that I think causes confusion.

Pituitary tumours  like the one I have are benign (non cancerous).  They don't even use the word "usually."  They just ARE.  We just take it out because it's squishing everything else up in there, and could eventually make a mess. (Those are the technical terms.)

Why would you say that?
I have been studying neuro-linguistic programming for the past few months, even prior to the tumour.  This is the somewhat controversial study of using how people speak (and you think) to produce a "map" of one's experiences to better understand and communicate.  It helps you answer questions from "Why would anyone say that?" to "Why would anyone wear that?" The reason?  Because everyone has different experiences, so they react to the same information differently.


I REALLY appreciate EVERY ATTEMPT at listening, telling jokes, and ESPECIALLY all the folks who have posted for me.  But....This would explain some of the comments I've received about my impending brain surgery.


Ahem.


"My Grandmother had that, and she was fine."  I refrained from asking if she was still around.
"Oh, yeah, I have to have an MRI on my ankle." Yeah, cuz that will require BRAIN SURGERY
"At least they caught it while it was small." Uh - how do you know if that's considered small?
"I had an MRI the other day.  They said I was fine."  Well guess what? I'm not!
"Benign is good." Yes it is.
"I'm sure everything will be fine." Really? Are you a brain surgeon? How do you know?


"Oh my goodness."  This is probably closer to the most appropriate.


What would you say?
Or more to the point, what should you say?  I just told you I have a brain tumour, and I have to have brain surgery in two days. 


Here are some tips. (This list is with apologies to anyone to whom I recited one of the above, or similar, platitudes.)

1. Don't say the first thing that comes to your head. Pause.
2. It's not about you. Or your Grandmother, or your ankle.  For 30 seconds think about the person in front of you.
3. As a default, say, "I'm sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do?"
4. Listen. Sometimes people have to repeat back what they heard in order to believe or understand.
5. If you don't want details, don't ask. When in a learning process, people will dump.
6. Follow up on the offer to do something.  This could be as simple as going to lunch.
7. Help the person stay positive. But don't offer empty platitudes as above.
8. At some point you will have to excuse yourself from the conversation. Politely change the subject to something you know the person likes. (eg "hey did you see the game last night?") or just say, can we talk about this later, I need to run.  It's okay, we understand not everyone is obsessed like we are!

Perhaps others can suggest how they would have liked to be treated?

Tomorrow - hospital check-in!

It's not rocket science, BUT....

It started out as a simple act of age rebellion.  Ok, I know Five-O is coming up, and I know that means I will probably have to increase my reading glasses prescription. But entire words were disappearing off the computer screen. Perhaps that Lasik surgery was wearing off? I'll just pop into the eye surgeon and get it checked out.

On Thursday, 9 June, I sat in the ophthalmologist's office for an hour taking tests.  The good news:  eyes are healthy. Not-so-good news: definite vision issues. "Let's take some blood tests and an MRI, to see if we can find anything."

We were coming up to a long weekend. We didn't have specific plans, but being in hospital was not amongst the choices. Immediately, Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger's immortal words in Kindergarten Cop leapt into my mind.

They scheduled my MRI for Sunday on a long weekend. I guess if they need a to pay a technician to be there, they may as well schedule appointments! By noon on Tuesday I got the call from the ophthalmologist: the scan did indeed show a "process" in my pituitary gland region between my sinus and brain, most likely benign, but pressing on my optic nerve. It's a tumor.

By 2pm on Wednesday, I was in the office of Dr John Sheehy, a neurosurgeon. Mid fifties, a bit "fatherly," with a gentle demeanor, but definitely no McDreamy! His waiting room consisted of the standard loud receptionist, 47 copies of Architectural Digest, Golf Magazine, Cars and one curious copy of the RM Williams Outback Magazine.

"This won't do at all," he says.
"What?!" I stiffen, "Ohhhh, you mean this whole brain tumour business?"
He nods.
"What are you gonna do about it?" I enquire.
"I thought we might take it out."
"Sounds like a good idea to me."

At 23 mm (one inch) in diameter, consistent in colour and material, he suggests it may be either a "Rathke's Pouch Cyst" in need of draining, or the previously suspected pituitary macroadenoma.  Both benign. Both operations done through the nose. "How does next Thursday work?"

Hmm..lemme just check my schedule....yeah I can sandwich that brain surgery in between the steering committee meeting and my status report.


And then it hits me. 

WHAT THE F#$% ??


Deep breath. Wait a minute. I am SOOOOO gonna milk this!!! Almost everything else pales by comparison to this.


"Oh, sorry to hear your project isn't going well, but I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOUR."
Your kids have the flu? I HAVE BRAIN TUMOUR
No, I'm sorry, I can't give to your charity today. I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOUR.
You think you have a headache? I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOUR.
Honey, can you get me a glass of water, IHABT.....

So here's the thing. In 7 days, I will have brain surgery.  Oh yes, it is.  It's BRAIN SURGERY! The prognosis is good. 5-7 days in hospital, 2-3 weeks out of work. Full recovery, low chance of recurrence.

Please send your thoughts, good wishes and prayers, but no need for anyone to jump on a plane. If you're in Sydney, happy to see you when I get out of hospital.

Instead you can follow my thoughts over the next 7 days and beyond.  I plan to tackle this with my usual dry sense of humour. I hope this self-preservation tactic does not offend anyone. I am not trying to belittle the seriousness of the situation, but trying to keep my sanity as I face the first test in my race against mortality.

Probably should warn the operating theatre staff that bad jokes are my specialty.